Thursday, December 21, 2006

Monday Morning Clacker Attends Governor Big Love’s Secret Group Event, Kicks Off The 08’ NH Primary By Understanding Love’s Need For Secrecy

I am a satirist. I have opinions. I tell people all about them.

With a keen eye and powerful pen I unleash my thoughts upon the world and watch as she laughs in return.

For the next 56 weeks I will be living a satirist’s dream – full access to the NH Presidential Primary’s Freak Show. I plan on covering it all. Hell, I’m planning on bathing in it.

I smell Pulitzer.

Today I took a big step toward that elusive prize. Today I came face-to-face with a man who I have come to call Governor Big Love.

It turns out that Governor Romney, his staff fearing “overexposure”, had snuck into town for a series of small group events. For reasons that I still cannot quite figure out, I received an invitation to attend his event.

Greenmountainpolitics1 has not been kind to Big Love. I have never considered Romney to be the “top-tier” Presidential candidate that the Gang of 500 has made him out to be.

Romney’s problems are well documented here - The Big Dig fiasco/Kerry Healey’s loss/ Love’s ongoing fight with the Boston Globe/illegal immigrants at work in the Governor’s mansion/Love’s relationship with Jerry “whoops, I guess he doesn’t actually support me” Falwell/his shifting position on abortion (which he admits)/his shifting position on homosexual marriage (which he denies)/the upcoming Warren Jeffs’s Trial/and the fact that Love is a Mormon from Massachusetts trying to make it through the South Carolina Primary.

I haven’t seen this much campaign baggage since Bob Dole tumbled off a podium and made snow angels in front of the entire press corps in 1996.

Though my mind is made up regarding Love’s chances for securing the Republican nomination, my mind is not closed to being changed.

Satirists are many things. Close-minded is not one of them.

That is how I found myself inside the Puritan Conference Center this afternoon basking in Governor Big Love’s love. And, to be fair, there is a lot of Love to love.

Romney is really good looking. He is really articulate. He really saved the 2002 Winter Olympics (Right? I wasn’t really paying attention). He really is a Governor. He seems to really like people and spends an enormous amount of his time at his events shaking hands and kissing babies.

Love seems to be really electable.

But, just when it looks like you might go steady with Big Love, you remember his flip-flops, missteps and screw-ups.

And, it hurts.

To top it off, right when it seems Love would be unable to make the idea of you and he going steady more remote - he gives his stump speech.

And, now you want to cry.

How is it that a man who is a legitimate contender for the Office of the President of the United States has absolutely nothing to say?

And I mean - Nothing. To. Say.

Because once Love gets outside the 2002 Winter Olympics, Massachusetts health care reform, his love of his family, his love for America’s troops and his “conversion” to a pro-life position, you hear crickets.

I’m not making that up. I heard crickets in the Puritan Convention Center this afternoon.

The following is an actual excerpt from the Q and A Love fielded at the event:

Q: What do you think we should do about Iraq?
Love: No comment. I won’t make comment until I decide to run for President.
MMC Comment on Love’s Comment: What? Even my 10-year old sister has an opinion on Iraq.

Q: Do you think we should put more American troops into Iraq?
Love: No comment.
MMC Comment on Love’s Comment: See above

Q: Is your recent National Review Online interview accurate about your views on gay marriage and abortion? (Note: I’m fairly sure that this was a planted question)
Love: Yes, everyone should read the article, which can be found online. I have always been a strong defender of traditional marriage and, while my position on abortion has changed, I don’t think I flip-flopped on the issue.
MMC Comment on Love’s Position: Bullshit and Bullshit. Now I know why National Review Online put a “this reporter has a pro-Romney bent” disclaimer on the article.

Q: About the upcoming Massachusetts inauguration…
Love and MMC: Zzz.

After that I headed to the buffet table to ponder what Love’s hype was really all about.